It's Time To Plant Loving Seeds
Ever since grade school I have struggled with religious/spiritual questions. I could never simply accept all of the church’s teachings without question. In those days the Catholic Church actively discouraged freedom of thinking in religious matters so I learned to suppress my concerns. The resulting conflict between my internal beliefs and church-mandated ones often left me feeling hypocritical.
In college the Jesuits were equally emphatic in cultivating spiritual enquiry. They gave me the courage to confront the questions that had never been openly addressed. However, I had no idea of how to resolve the conflicts and eventually I bolted from the church and wandered in a spiritual no-man’s-land for fifteen years.
On Easter Sunday, 1980 I found myself in unwilling attendance at a charismatic Christian service. My attitude was surly, the sermon uninspiring and the special guest’s message totally foreign to me. Yet something inexplicable happened and, for the first time, God got inside me.
I began developing a personal relationship with God and obtaining a sense of what I had been searching for. Unfortunately, my spiritual growth was accompanied by an increasingly judgmental attitude. I was getting my act together and was becoming very good at spotting the defects in others.
One day I awoke to the realization that while I was busily pointing my judgmental finger at others, if anyone guessed my cross-dressing secret they would certainly judge me equally harshly. Not knowing what to do, I once again found myself running away from the church and from God. This time was worse because now it was clearly a matter of my own hypocrisy.
By June 1991 I could no longer live with the uncertainties of cross-dressing. The idea of finding help within the church never reached my radar screen but fortunately I found other cross-dressers who were willing to help me. With their help I came to not only understand myself but also to accept this as part of my total being. The results were so positive that I began writing and speaking to encourage other transgendered people to achieve a similar wholeness.
Last year I finally undertook my ultimate quest -- "Can the oil of Christianity mix with the water of cross-dressing?" I didn’t know if I could be both a Christian and a cross-dresser or if I would have to choose between them. I did know that I could not continue without finding an answer.
My first effort was a search for a church that would accept me as a member knowing that I was a cross-dresser. I joined a local Presbyterian church that is an incredible match for my spiritual needs. The pastor’s sermons touch my soul, the music program elevates my spirit and the "thou shalts & thou shalt nots" are in short supply. While the pastor isn’t what would be called "open and affirming" he isn’t judgmental either. So we have found room to discuss my concerns without branding me as unacceptable in God’s eyes.
My other effort was this series of newsletters on this issue that sparked hundreds of interactions with ministers of virtually every Christian denomination. The vast majority of comments were overwhelming negative and severely condemned me. At times the unrelenting message of sin and repentance nearly caused me to give up. Instead, I found myself reading and rereading the Gospels to find the "Good News" they promised. I researched Christian authors and spent considerable time in prayer and introspection. In the end I felt that I had developed a viewpoint that has value for other Christians wrestling with this issue.
Enter my long time friend Brenda Thomas who was chairing the Holiday En Femme in Houston (a national conference of cross-dressers) and who invited me to speak there. It seemed the perfect opportunity so I prepared a full-day seminar on Christianity and Cross-dressing. These events are primarily social affairs and the best-attended presentations usually deal with clothing, makeup and other appearance-oriented topics. Still, a small group came and engaged in significant discussions of serious spiritual concerns.
Sitting in Houston’s Intercontinental airport in the pre-dawn hours the next day I reflected on what had transpired at the seminar and what was next. While my ego was somewhat deflated by the limited number of people who attended, I was greatly buoyed by the discussions it generated. It gradually became clear that the message was important to spiritually minded cross-dressers and to the Christian community in general. I decided that the next step was to carry the message to others.
So, in March I plan to replace this series with another newsletter, Planting Loving Seeds. I will address issues faced by anyone who consider themselves a Christian yet feel excluded from the mainstream of the church because of their differences. The main objective is to present a Biblical view of how to relate to these "different" people. The writings will draw upon my experiences as a cross-dresser. Hopefully the material will encourage those within the church to reexamine the situation and will help to begin building bridges of understanding between us.
I have learned and grown a great deal by bringing this newsletter to you and am thankful for the many exchanges of ideas that have occurred. I hope that the experience has been helpful for you as well.
My very best wishes for the holiday season,
Rachel/Richard
